Fish in the Net

(In response to
"THE HIGH-GRADE WORKFORCE AND NEO"

and the original article "KEANU REEVES IS JESUS"

by Doug Brunell.)


This is an analysis of writer Doug Brunell. From the photograph he so willingly splashes across his various Internet profiles, we observe that he wears a hoodie, shades, and a beard. Hoodie aside, this may, ladies, gentlemen and genderqueer folk, remind you of a certain other - albeit far more intelligent, humble, and all-around-awesome - individual named Keanu Charles Reeves, also known reverently as 'The Anu', whom Mr. Brunell here is obviously trying to emulate on some level. Sure, he may deny this, and of course he will, seeing as how two of his entries on Film Threat seem to suggest an angrily-hidden panic which he has tried desperately to bury beneath infantile humour, condescending digs at Keanu fans, and terrible T-shirt design.

As an example of the alleged hate mail that he received, Mr. Brunell lets us know about one by 'Keanu McFall' that started with, "Doug Brunell is a fag". I am sure you are as horrified as I am at the maliciousness of this insult - surely such a person as Mr. Brunell can have no association with the wonderful gays! He does, however, seem particularly obsessed with this particular writer, mentioning that he called him a fag not one but two times, and the fact that he focusses on this one letter out of the many more he claims to have received shows a rather disturbing preoccupation with people's opinions of his sexuality. Perhaps well earned, for how many people are aware of the number of films in Ron Jeremy's oeuvre?

(Let's not even mention his telling usage of the phrase "a fucking Einstein" elsewhere in his article. Mr. Albert Einstein is known for many things - you may recall a thinking Einstein, an intelligent Einstein, a scientific Einstein, a dying Einstein... but a fucking Einstein? Such is the curse of contemporary society; even dead scientists have their sex lives open to mockery. What happened to basic human decency and respect for the dead?)

We note also how Mr. Brunell chooses to counter McFall's letter primarily by targetting his intelligence and immaturity, citing how his letter "took [him] back to grade school". As many of you esteemed Internet users know, there are many bona fide grade school students on the Internet. I know a six year old - a cousin of a friend - who has a blog. In short, we can conclude that either Mr. Brunell is a pathetic coward who gets kicks out of mocking little children, or his regular association with immature adults, possibly including himself, has made him naturally assume that all other adults are just like that.

We now move on to the actual article that started all this. In the opening paragraph, Mr. Brunell outs himself as a masochist. First he states his hate for the The Anu. He then goes on to say that he has been in "exactly one worthwhile movie... ever". We shall now observe a period of awestruck silence at the self-hating bravery* of Mr. Brunell: the endless torture he must have endured while forcing himself to sit through film after film of an actor he claims to so vehemently dislike to the point of wanting him crucified. He says he dies a little bit every time he sees him on the screen, and yet he has sat through every single one of his films. Wow. But then we remember the hoodie, and conclude that Mr. Brunell must be an emo. Suddenly the pieces fall into place.

(*Take note also of the bit where we call him a coward. Man, this guy has issues. And not good ones you can read, like issues of Empire magazine.)

And then Mr. Brunell's preoccupation with alternative sexuality rears its metaphorical head again. He describes The Anu's hand as 'neatly manicured'; how many non-androphiliacs notice the hands of men? Precious few, I would imagine. This is a tragic day for the glorious gay community; it looks as though Mr. Brunell may in fact be one of them after all. But for the moment, the depth of his denial is apparent. Note the sentence (with regard to Neo bringing Trinity back to life by massaging her heart) - "If that isn't every woman's fantasy -- and some men's -- I don't know what is".

His obvious lack of imagination aside, by way of simple statistical analysis (where the majority of the population is heterosexual), he seems to consider this fantasy to be of a sexual nature, hence the mention of "every" woman and "some" men. We see how he takes care to remember the existence of men who would love Keanu to stick his hand into their bodies and massage their hearts, but neglects that of women who would not. Does he ignore the existence of lesbians and asexuals and those who prefer to fornicate with animals? In the case of lesbians, how many straight men are in the habit of pretending that they do not exist? And yet neither can one put this down to a strictly heterosexist worldview, because, again, he does mention the homosexually-inclined segment of the male population. Interesting.

In a continuing trend, Mr. Brunell also displays a constant ignorance of the difference between fiction and reality, repeatedly conflating The Anu with Neo, the equally-awesome character whom he played. It is evident that Mr. Brunell spends a significant amount of his time in a rather disturbing fantasy world in which he is America's favourite son, and where he often contemplates in high detail how he would like to murder The Anu. He already has the hammer and nails. Why is this guy allowed to roam free?

Mr. Brunell, if you are reading this and are up to the intellectual challenge of Internet debate, we would love to hear your input. Perhaps you could educate us further on your undoubtedly interesting mental state.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,
The Keanu SWAT Team.
Whoa is (Not) Me: Defending Keanu Reeves

P.S. Mr. Brunell, this post uses British spelling. If you think some words are spelt wrong (such as 'spelt'), they probably aren't.

P.P.S. LucaM of the Keanu SWAT Team would also like to add that you are a 'sad, pathetic punk'.